I escape up the trail, excused….I need to get a fire in the box. I must admit, I love it up here, love the quiet, the slant of the winter light, the blueness. The solitude… no one to watch my face. I can throw shit on the floor, let the dishes pile up and my desk hide the impossible state of my life beneath a slew of papers. To feel the raw heat of the wood stove, the cold edges of the insufficient walls.
I was once able to dream in here. To dream of a future and a past held together by an unfrayed strand of time. And it is no more. I’ve achieved a certain zen mastery of living in the present, I cannot contemplate tomorrow and yesterday is hard to recall.
So I drive out here, pour heat into the stove and try to figure out how to build a future from all the anxiety and uncertainty of the present.
I need a list of what to do and what to want. A list of my own, not to be reviewed at large
THE LIST
Be in the woods.
I moved up here to be in the woods and for the most part this has been absent from my life for the last three years. Trips, day trips, skiing etc. Life must accommodate this.
Live in the woods.
No sense in living in the city and dealing with the annoyances of Northern Minnesota.
Make love often.
Relationships have hassles, but making love is about as good as it gets. Often and excellent.
Make a living.
I don’t want to be obsessed with things, but it would be nice to get away from the daily worries concerning money.
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